a month to plan scandal...

a few weeks ago i had a lengthy rant about a stag do (americans read 'bachelor party) for a friend of mine at the end of april. at the time i was pretty well pissed off at the fact that a blustery island off the coast of donegal was the chosen place for this event...aranmore island to be exact.

now, with the weekend only a month away i am starting to genuinely worry that it is going to suck some proverbial ass. i have been trying to come up with some ideas to at least liven the thing up a bit...can you believe it would cost E1000 to transport some scanky dublin stripper up for the night?...niether could i.

i thought of a few t-shirts for the lads...kinda dorkish i know but they might be something to take our minds off the old farmer in the corner with the sheep dog under his chair and some 1964 dirt in his ears. or a few blow up dolls seeing as real women could be a serious problem on this scabby outcrop of europe...

there are shady rumours of a 22 strong party from sligo on a hen weekend (americans read bachelorette weekend)...but no concrete evidence and the chance of a juke box stocked with only joe dolan, the corrs and u2 is really gettin me shaky...this may go down as the worst stag do in history. don't get me wrong, i love a good 'lad's night out' but a stag do is something of historical notoriety and failure to pay homage to it with sacrifices of naked breasts, top shelf boozing and a groom unconscious with an alarm clock tied to his head on the 618am to mallow is just wrong.

any ideas to make this island a bit more stag do worthy?

i called this one...

its a short one for now but i stand vindicated in my belief that scarlett johansson is one of the finest creatures to ever walk the face of this planet...if the cover of vanity fair a few weeks ago didn't confirm it; then the fact she just topped the definitive top 100 sexiest women poll in fhm magazine should.

this most natural of looking, full-bodied, 'real woman' is truly the embodiment of all that is pure and feminine....bravo!

sexiest woman in the world

v for...america?

to follow on from a book review - granted it has been a while since that post, st. paddy's day and all, you know how it is - i feel the need to jot a bit down about my latest movie venture. since i saw king kong about eighty seven years ago there hasn't been one movie worth watching in eons. such complete ming like firewall, 16 blocks and the movie that destroyed my good opinion of james franco (he will win an oscar one day though), annapolis..has dribbled onto our movie screens for months now, nothing but crap.

as a result, last night i headed into v for vendetta with little or no expectations. i left however, with the feeling that the wachowski brothers are members of an elite, very elite, group of writers and producers capable of putting together a movie that challenges their viewers into actual thought.

the fact that the movie is a parable of the present is too obvious to be anything other than intentional. some may argue the story as pure fantasy or perhaps a gentle "watch out, this might happen to you"...for me there are too many comparisons, if exaggerated, to the world we live in to be ignored.

hugo weaving plays v. a delightfully, inadequately explained character that remains behind a smiling mask depicting guy fakes for the entire film, conjuring up a character with body movement and voice. saving eve hammond (natalie portman) from rape at the hands of government henchmen sets us on a year long mission to topple a totalitarian state put in place in britain after the demise of a greedy america from a rampant virus. the british chancellor (john hurt) controls britain through a system of total fear and suppression - media propaganda, false stories, loyal underlings and of course the old favorite, murder.

strong visuals and tantalizingly familiar scenarios really get one wondering; the twisting of simple news stories is very thought provoking and through the shocking methods used by v to politicize eve it could be asked is the movie itself an effort to stir the hearts of a pathetically lethargic and ignorant youth in today's world...especially in america, a country fast becoming an islam-hating, gay-bashing epitome of vendetta's britain.

portman wavers a little with her english accent but her overall role is the heart of the movie, she has quickly established herself as one of the finest actors under 30 today. her time in exile at the hands of an unknown tormenter is especially important as are her gradual realization of v's motives and reasons for calculated death. the final scene, while of course pleasing to any true irishman, is a poignant symbol, not only in evey's world but in our own...the sex pistol's "anarchy in the uk" should have come blaring in to herald the credits...what would it be like to bring down a government of suppression and manipulation...true liberation and equality in anarchy.

though maybe one that will be more a cult movie for the outsiders in society i recommend this one for anyone who has a clue about current affairs in america today...its powerful, imaginative, exciting and engrossing...gets my vote. democracy?

self made man?...

one of the good things about driving hundreds of miles around the five boroughs each week (i'm not a delivery boy btw) is that i get to listen to the howard stern show, just about the only celebrity personality i have had any respect for these days. i must look like a nut job in the mornings; sitting in traffic laughing my ass off at what is simply the best entertainment available on tv or radio these days. (sirius or howardstern for more:)

this morning i listened in on a great interview with one norah vincent, lesbian and author of a newly released book "self made man". the book apparently chronicles vincent's experiences as she lived as a man for several months. dressed like a man, spoke like a man and acted like a man. she even pasted tiny hairs to her face to achieve a 'five o'clock' shadow. now the fact that she did this, and did so successfully, is not what i found interesting. what made the interview so good was the unique opinions of an attractive woman who can accurately describe what it is to be a man....here's a brief summary of what she had to say.

(1) according to vincent (and every man in the world) men are funnier than women. funnier to be around, when with each other and generally much more humorous. note: women, lighten up...farting and crapping IS funny.

(2) vincent now sympathizes with men and their tough battle in trying to date women. having completed multiple dates as a man; she now realizes that even average looking girls place themselves on an almost unassailable pedestal. men are placed at the bottom of the scum ladder at the commencement of dating and that us poor bastards must try, through laborious and quite often humiliating effort, to impress the lady into further dates, something akin to peacocks and funky tails.

(3) she stated that one of the hardest conditions she had to maintain to achieve the allusion of being male was learning to be quiet more often. vincent argued that men only speak or converse when something merits the effort. women, she said, just never shut up and will continue spewing garbage without ever realizing it, or stopping it.

(4) vincent had a 'third-date' rule which meant that she admitted being a woman to her date on date number three...to avoid any messy revelations at a later time. however, on no fewer than three occasions, vincent's female dates said that they didn't care and would like to continue dating and on one occasion they went on to have sex together. this, despite the closet dweller's protestation that she would never consider being with woman despite her lack of success with men. vincent deduced that many women will openly refute any interest in a homosexual liaison when its likelihood is remote but if the opportunity lands unexpectedly in their lap, they'll snap it up.

(5) its harder to be a man than a woman in terms of facing probable violence. she gave the example of a cute girl telling a cab driver to 'go fuck himself' and her having no fear of repercussions....a guy is gonna face a beating in a similar situation.

anyway, the reports go on. its nothing groudbreaking but to hear male views from a female's experience is refreshing. personally. i'm gettin the book, but i do have to say...it could make a man think...what are we to do if the so called "fairer" sex now appears to be unfunny, yappy, pretentious, closet gay and cab driver terrorists...

hold on, i knew all that already...women; you're NOT all that.

but you do have boobs.

norah vincent online

l. ron hubbard rocks...

if anyone has a spare hour in the next few days they should sit down and have a butcher's hook at a fantastic article in rolling stone#995. janet reitman goes into marvellous depth in a candid and revealing investigation into the quack 'religion' of scientology.

now, when i say l.ron hubbard, the founder of scientology, rocks, i mean it more in the sense of the man's ability to lie, deceive and bluff his way to a fortune, than in any heroic or philanthropic way. for a man to start, what is now, a multi billion dollar 'religion' with cook stories about a galactic warlord named xenu who rounded up 13.5 trillion beings, 75 million years ago and dumped them into the volcanoes on earth is simply ingenius. to be revered to the point where each scientology church keeps an office furnished and ready for his return, 20 years after his death is astounding don't you think? he was hooked on painkillers and psychiatric drugs and finally died from pancreatitis and a stroke in 1986......the official church line on his death?? "he dropped his healthy body and moved on to another dimension"...fucking classic!!

if anyone here in the big banana is interested in having a peep into this lunatic ensemble you can visit the manhattan church on w46th st...but be prepared to be hounded for months by the fools inside who will pester you, according to reitman, for $4000 for an initial 'life repair' and 'purif'. a purif being some weird ritual to do with vitamin pills and a sauna.

seriously, you should read the article, there is simply too much amazing material for me to regale you with. i believe reitman intended to be impartial and as fair as possible but, through no fault of her's, every single fact laid out portrays the whole idea of scientology as completely insane. from the hundreds of thousands of dollars it takes to progress through its 'levels of enlightment, to the sickening shows of wealth in the churches and retreats it has....the whole cuckoo madness is about money.

and then you have "operation celebrity", a move started in 1955 to enlist famous members to spread the idiocy. and this operation has been successful it appears....scientology now boasts such well known names and certified nutjobs as john travolta (who claims scientology propelled his career...and not grease), kirsty alley (who quite frankly can't have anything to thank scientology for) and of course tom cruise, the most easily hated dwarf on the planet. short-arse cruise is apparently shit-hot in the scientology world, having achieved the highest level of enlightment "operating thetan viii"...apparently, such a freak as an otviii can possess telekinesis, can leave their physical body at will and travel to other times and dimensions. fun huh?

and i'm not just picking on scientology. all organised religion is insane to me. however, as goddam cuckoo as scientology is...it hasn't been the reason for any wars or deaths yet, least not any i know of....christianity, judaism, islam....they've all resulted in millions of deaths it can't be denied. but there is time yet, a scientology crusade could be iminent...travolta and cruise charging in on white horses to convert the unenlightened.....though cruise's steed would most definitely be a shetland...watch out folks!

Rolling Stone: Inside Scientology

redneck month for irish wanderer...

the month of march for the irish is synonymous with st. paddy's day...green beer (though i've never laid eyes on the stuff), mass produced leprechaun hats and beards, singing, marching and plenty of craic in general.

however, my own march is shaping up as a real southern affair. and not the south of ireland at that. a huge fan of classic rock, southern classic rock in particular, i have a full line up in the next two weeks...i have my lynyrd skynyrd for next sunday...the day before the band is inducted to the classic rock hall of fame...i then have tickets for the outlaws who are playing at bb king's bar & grill on march 18th and i'll no doubt scalp myself some allman brothers tickets in the next couple of days for the beacon theatre...

while i'll enjoy the concerts this month it has me thinking again just how much i would love to have lived in the '60s and '70s. between led zep, the who, the stones, the beatles, rory gallagher, peter frampton, pink floyd, the eagles....i mean seriously, combine going to all those concerts with LSD, a sexual revolution and flaired trousers and it must have been one hell of a party...

granted that would now leave me about 60 years old, with a dodgy ticker and swollen prostate...washed up, mumbling in the corner of an empty bar about how i touched janis joplin's shoe at woodstock in '69....

i think i'll make do with the ipod and what ever old guy concerts are available these days...